


A Fate worse than Death

by Viking_Katze



Series: Of Tevinter's and Fereldan's - what could possibly go wrong? [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: And then things just go wrong, Angst, Banter, Changing the Tevinter Imperium, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-21 14:44:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3696209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viking_Katze/pseuds/Viking_Katze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dorian leaves for Tevinter to right the wrongs in his homeland. A large task, but it might not be impossible with the help and support of the Inquisition. But things can go wrong, and sometimes they do and families can come back to hurt you in the most horrible ways. The question is if there is a way to right the wrong that's been made, and if what has been lost can be restored.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Farewell

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place after the defeat of Corypheous and after "Observations, distractions and chess." It is not necessary to read that story to understand this one. But it will give an insight in how things came to be between Cullen and Dorian. 
> 
> Enjoy~

~*~

With Corypheus dead the world calmed, but there were still wrongs to be righted. The Inquisition remained, still a strong force to be reckoned with, and the Inquisitor did want to change the world for the better. A noble ambition and even if it was a large task to take on, if it was the Inquisitor, maybe it was possible?

~*~

Cullen lay in his bed dozing, just on the brink of waking. It was slow going process though with his lover curled up next to, and halfway on top of, him. Dorian's breath washing across his skin and an arm slung across Cullen's middle, fingers twitching ever so slightly in sleep, threatening to find that spot that Cullen wouldn't admit to out loud, was ticklish. It was a soothing thing, to have someone next to him, even if they were close to tickling him.

A fond half smile curled Cullen's scarred lip upwards as he angled his head in an attempt to see Dorian's face, but all he could see was the top of Dorian's head, hair all mussed up with sleep and standing on end. It was somewhat bitter-sweet to wake up that particular morning, as it brought with it the looming knowledge of Dorian leaving for Tevinter. Even if Cullen wanted Dorian to stay he would never ask it of the mage. Cullen was well aware of Dorian's intention of trying to right the wrongs in his homeland, and it was as noble of a cause as the Inquisitor's, and with the Inquisitor's support it might not be an impossible task.

It still pained the Commander to see his lover go. It wasn't for forever, that much he knew, or wanted to believe at least. Thinking anything else would be his ruin. But in the early morning light Cullen forced those thoughts out of his mind. Their parting was several hours away so there was no need to dwell on it. Instead he let his right hand wander to the nape of Dorian's neck to idly stroke at the short hair there and then up into the longer strands. He could feel Dorian relax against him, whatever dream that had caused him to stir was driven away, for the moment, by the gentle ministrations of Cullen's fingers.

It was nice to just relax. Knowing that the fate of the world didn't weigh on the Inquisition anymore. To know that they didn't have death as a constant visitor at their doorstep, lurking just outside the gates, to strike from all the corners of the world.

To have the knowledge that he could take his time waking up and knowing that he could have a proper farewell instead of the rushed goodbye, which in the not too distant past had been all that they could have hoped for. To say that it was a welcomed change was a bit of an understatement.

But the sun was well above the battlements, and was falling right in Cullen's eyes, which was as good of a hint as any to perhaps rouse his lover to the waking word. Cullen's fingers edged their way towards Dorian's exposed ear and tugged on it lightly. "Dorian..." Cullen murmured, his voice rough with sleep, but still held a clear not of fondness in it. He began raking his fingers through the dark strands, not harsh, but firmly, and the other man stirred letting out a disgruntled sound which drew a chuckle out of Cullen.

"It's morning." Cullen stated, and got a sleepy hum in reply. "You're leaving today." Cullen continued and he felt Dorian shift a little and muttered something unintelligible, but at least Dorian was awake enough so that he shifted his face upwards to face the other man, but didn't bother to actually look at Cullen.

The Commander smiled and then craned his neck so that he could press a kiss on Dorian's forehead. "Thought you might want to enjoy the morning with me in some other way than sleeping it away." Cullen murmured against Dorian's skin.

"You have my undivided attention amatus..." Dorian mumbled, his voice still heavy with sleep, but there was that telltale smile indicating that he was at least more awake than asleep. One coal lined eye opened to peer at Cullen, the black was smudged, but it wasn't something that bothered Cullen, and it no longer bothered Dorian either. Though he wouldn't be caught dead looking so disheveled inside Skyhold in any other person's presence.

"Should I spoil you before you leave?" Cullen asked, fingers still playing idly with the dark strands of Dorian's hair. "Tell me what you want, love." Cullen continued, enjoying the feel of Dorian shifting to lay fully on top of him.

"I think you've spoilet me plenty, amatus. Anymore and I'd be far to pampered to ever want to leave." Dorain said raising himself enough so that he could brush their lips together. Cullen chuckled once the mage pulled back and reached up to smooth out Dorian's mustache for him.

"Ah, my secret plan has been revealed, whatever will I do?" Cullen said as he smiled, even if his eyes held some sadness in them.

"You'll let me have my wicked ways with you instead, that's what. I might even spoil you a bit myself, as a treat." Dorian said before he leaned down for another kiss, unhurried as he let his hands wander before he did have his wicked ways with the Commander.

Lingering touches, long kisses, whispered words of endearments and love. They took their time, enjoying one another to the fullest. They spent the morning in bed and then took their time bathing together. Everything regarding packing had been dealt with the night before, so it was not something to stress about either. But it was difficult, it had always been hard to say farewell, but knowing that Dorian would return within a month or two had made it more than bearable. It didn't matter though, however much he wished that Dorian wouldn't leave, it was all decided and Cullen would endure.

"Amatus, if you keep looking at me with those sad eyes you _will_ break my heart." Dorian said, drawing the Commander out of his thoughts. All Cullen could do was give Dorian an apologetic smile, he couldn't find the words right then. It was nearing midday. It wouldn't be long before Dorian would set out. "You are a horrible man you know, I absolutely hate you." Dorian said, and his voice shook, but there was that smile on his lips as they walked towards the stables, and Cullen couldn't help but laugh.

"Your way of showing hate is very strange." He said at last and Dorian scoffed.

"Well, you breaking my heart will make me hate you." The mage said in a huff, his voice still shaking, as it always did when he fought to keep his emotions under control.

"I will miss you." Cullen said, grasping Dorian's elbow gently, bringing them both to a stop. Dorian looked at him, and he did his outmost to seem angry, but he was failing rather horribly.

"...You're making it very hard to hate you." Dorian finally said turning to face Cullen fully, and the Commander laughed, pulling the other man close, wrapping his arms around Dorian and the mage wrapped his around Cullen's neck, a small frown marring his face still.

"I love you." Cullen said, his voice hushed for only Dorian to hear, and the mage muttered something in Tevene and held Cullen a little tighter. Cullen was sure that there were a few swear words in the mutterings as well. "Stay safe." Cullen said in the same hushed tone before he kissed the mole that adorned Dorian's right cheek.

"You're a horrible man, and I hate you, but I love you too..." Dorian eventually said and began to pull away but just enough so that he could kiss Cullen, one more time, even if people were watching. In Skyhold everyone already knew, but they usually didn't go about flaunting it, they didn't feel the need to after all.

"Now then." Dorian stepped away fully, letting go of his lover, even if he was reluctant to do so. "You needn't see me off more than to here, I need to get that dreadful beast saddled after all, and you need to get back to your work." Dorian said, his voice steadier, but the smile didn't reach his eyes, but Cullen couldn't blame him.

"Alright. Safe travels, Dorian."

"Yes yes, I do know how to take care of myself. If you recall I _did_ in fact warn the lot of you about that lot that came to kill you." Dorian said and then made a shooing motion towards Cullen, who let out a small laugh, but lingered a little longer. "And _no_ , I don't hate you, you know that. Now go, let me be, I'll send word when I reach Val Royeaux, so that you know I haven't perished on the way." The mage did another shooing motion and that time Cullen did leave, but he did glance over his shoulder as he left.

~*~

Cullen watched as Dorian rode out of Skyhold, Sera calling after him, but Cullen couldn't make out what from where he was standing on the battlements. Bull was there as well, seeing Dorian off at the gates. They had said their goodbyes the previous night, but apparently Bull and Sera saw the need for a more extravagant farewell.

Cullen really couldn't help the laugh that escaped him when Dorian's horse wasn't exactly happy about the loud and odd serenade that was given. All Cullen could make out was that it was loud, but eventually Dorian rode off, and everything settled back into its usual hustle and bustle, and Cullen went back to work. It was just another day, and there were things that needed to be dealt with.

But his heart already ached with loss.

And just outside Skyhold, Dorian was feeling much of the same ache in his own heart.

The mage reached inside his coat, pulling forth the coin that was carefully secured with a similar cord that adorned his leathers. A token, for good luck. Dorian rubbed his thumb over the metal and let out a huff, but he smiled nonetheless as he tucked it back to rest against his chest. Considering what he was setting out to do, he could use all the luck he could get.

~*~

The seasons had passed quickly, Cullen had thought that it would have felt like the days would pass slower than usual. But there was always things to do, even if there wasn't that pressing urgency to everything that had lingered before. The people of Theadas still needed help. There were still rifts that the Inquisitor needed to close, and the Inquisition's soldiers were busy with taking care of any lingering threats from Venitori, rouge Templars or Mages.

It wasn't that all of them were bad, people weren't born evil. But perhaps some were just more drawn towards destruction. It was a frightening thought, but it was what it was. There were good people and bad people, then a whole bunch in between that were maybe a bit of both but not enough to make any drastic choices that would change the world.

But Cullen missed Dorian, it would be a lie to say anything else. He missed the snarky comments and political discussions they used to have. The chess games to unwind, even if it would bring out the competitive side in the both of them. Neither liked to lose, but Dorian was rash in his decisions when it came to chess, and more often than not he would lose, not easily and not always. But if they had been keeping a score Cullen would probably be in the lead with games won.

Cullen missed the easy companionship that had grown between them, he missed the way Dorian could talk nonstop when he was passionate about something, and the excitement showing in every motion, every expression. Whatever Dorian were to claim, he could never say that he didn't wear his heart on his sleeve, he did his best to hide it, but to those who got close enough to be allowed to take an extra look would be able to see that the mage could not contain his feelings when they were strong enough.

Cullen also missed the closeness, the comforting presence in his bed. He missed having Dorian there when the dreams got bad because Dorian always seemed to ease them. They hadn't been as bad when Dorian was beside him, not as violent, the memories not as sharp. Cullen had still been woken by those dreams, but to have someone there, to hold or be held was enough to calm his racing heart and uneasy spirit.

The letters helped though, they were far between, but they were like short novels when they did reach Cullen. Telling him of how dreadful a it was to travel so far but that Tevinter was actually quite lovely, compared to the constantly snow covered mountain that Cullen was still holed up in.

Dorian didn't go into much detail about what he was doing in those letters, there were reports that he sent to Leliana and there were the private letters that he sent to Cullen. Cullen would always pour over the reports in the same way that he would read Dorian's letters, they didn't have the same flare to them, but Dorian just couldn't help but himself and would write a comment here or there that could have been left out.

Cullen's letters to Dorian were always short in comparison, but there was only so many ways that he could describe his days, so Cullen would always write a little about the others who had stayed to help the Inquisitor. Cassandra was away, as she had her new duties as Devine to see too. She did send letters every once in a while, and they were as dry as her reports had been. To the point and with no real personal touch.

It was how Dorian had described them.

The others were still around to help the Inquisitor, so there was always someone around Skyhold to make a scene. Josephine had to put up with quite a bit of mischief from Bull and Sera until the ambassador pleaded with the Inquisitor to always take one of them along. The Inquisitor humored her, more often than not. But sometimes they would still be at Skyhold together, and when they were, a disaster of some sort would be just around the corner. When those two got together it was as if they became children again, plotting and planning together, and eventually someone would be the unlucky one to suffer through one of their pranks. Cullen had learned to see the signs, and usually opted to stay well out of their way when something was afoot.

Cullen wrote of such things, to fill the letter out. He always had questions to answer from Dorian's letters, but Cullen felt that some news on what was going on at Skyhold might bring that bright laughter forth, even if he wasn't there to hear it himself.

Cullen also snuck a few lines of endearments into his letters to Dorian, but he was sparse with them. It always felt odd to write them down. He seldom had problems saying such things to the mage in person, but putting the words down on paper, it made the Commander feel somewhat embarrassed. But he did it anyway, even as he felt the heat spread across his face as he wrote the words, and he always hurried to seal the letters afterwards, so that he wouldn't change his mind and write the letter all over again. 

~*~

Cullen would often receive a letter within four or five weeks from the last, so when almost eight weeks had passed, and no word from Dorian, private or in a report to Leliana, Cullen began to worry. Last he had heard Dorian was planning on coming back to Skyhold. It had already been a year since Dorian had left, but for the reports to have stopped, that was unsettling.

~*~

"What I have learned that the last report was sent when Dorian crossed the border between Tevinter and Nevarra. But my spies cannot track him after that. It is like he simply... vanished." Leliana said as she looked through her notes, Cullen had come to see her up in the rookery.

"Anything else?"

"I'm afraid not. But my people are looking into it. We will get word eventually, I assure you of that Cullen." The spymaster said as she took in the Commander's expression. "Things were moving along quite well in Tevinter, considering it's only been a year, but there are those who strongly oppose what Dorian has set into motion."

"I am well aware of that, Leliana." Cullen snapped, it was obvious that he was worried, but then an apologetic look flashed over his face. "I apologize... I know that you are telling me all that you know. Please inform me as soon as you know something more." Cullen said before he turned to leave.

"Of course." Leliana said and waited until she was sure the blond man was well on his way back to his office, only then did she take out the letter that contained just a few rushed lines and a coin bound with a cord.

_We found him Mistress Nightengale._

_It is far worse than we could imagine. He requested that we send this to you to give to the Commander._  
We will return to Skyhold with haste. We are also bringing a guest of the Lord.  
  


_\- Shadows_

  
Leliana flipped the coin over in her hand wondering if she was doing the right thing. But she didn't have enough information. It would just have to wait until Dorian arrived. But Dorian was alive, the question was if death might have been a better option, if her suspicions were anything to go by.

 


	2. Reunion

~*~

Everyone left of their inner circle of friends could see that Cullen was worried, the soldiers noticed something was amiss as well. It wasn't that the commander couldn't do his job, he was doing it just fine, but the man was tense and was quicker to bark out orders and correct faults in the recruits training with more bite to the words than they usually held. With another two weeks having passed without any news, Cullen had started to expect the worse.

Leliana had however told the Inquisitor about the report she had received from her people, leaving it up to the elf to decide what to do next, as Dorian would arrive in the next day or so. There had also been a letter from the guest who was accompanying Dorian. It had been short but to the point.

"I need to tell him." Lavellan had said after reading the letter, but the elf hadn't left the war room, instead her eyes had been locked on the parchment reading over the words again.

"It would be for the better, yes. We should be expecting them some time tomorrow-"

The doors to the war room was hurriedly opened and one of Leliana's people rushed inside. "I'm sorry Mistress, but they're early." The woman said as she quickly bowed. "They're at the gates, and word is spreading that Ser Pavus is back."

~*~

Cullen rubbed at his neck as he finally stood from his desk. It was aching something terribly from being hunched over letters and reports the whole morning. He had opted to keep to his office that day, with little sleep and worry eating at him he had left one of his lieutenants to oversee the recruits for the day. He was doing his best to keep busy, not wanting to stop and dwell on things that might have happened. But when night came and Skyhold had fallen silent, there was little he could do to stop his mind from conjuring up unwanted images, and what little sleep he managed was wrought with nightmares.

Cullen picked up the few reports he needed to pass on to Leliana and sorted them with a sigh. "Might as well stretch my legs for a bit." He mumbled to himself before making his way towards the rookery. As he walked along the walkway from his office to the rotunda his eyes scanned over the reports once more, and if it hadn't been for the commotion near the tavern, Cullen wouldn't have glanced that way.

When his eyes settled on the mage he briefly wondered if he was so sleep deprived that he was having hallucinations, he watched Dorian's profile as the mage made his way inside the great hall, and only then did Cullen move. He didn't run, but it was a near thing, as he still was unsure if it had really been Dorian.

When Cullen reached the great hall Lavellan was there, talking to the tall woman standing next to Dorian, and then they all began moving, and Cullen hurried forward reaching out to grab the mage by the elbow. "Dorian." Cullen was smiling, he couldn't help himself. It was Dorian, he was alive and back at Skyhold.

"Cullen! Ah, I was just coming to see you." Lavellan burst out, and by the look on her face something was wrong. Then Dorian turned to face him, and what hit him first was the emptiness in those grey eyes.

"Hello Cullen."

It felt like a physical blow. What should have been a greeting accompanied by a charming smile and witty comment, was just a string of words, no inflection, no smile. The papers Cullen had been holding dropped to the ground and he raised his hand to brush the longer strands of hair away from Dorian's forehead, his hands shaking. Dorian didn't move, didn't say anything, and Cullen's heart broke when he saw the brand on his lover's forehead.

Tranquil.

 _'Maker no... let this be a nightmare...'_ Cullen pleaded inside his head as he let his shaking hand fall away from Dorian's face.

"...Cullen... let's go to Josies office." Lavellan said softly but it snapped Cullen out of his thoughts, his amber eyes falling on the short elf before he gave a curt nod, not trusting his voice. He let his other hand fall away from its hold on Dorian's elbow and Dorian simply walked ahead of them, the tall woman trailing half a step behind.

"...I'm so sorry Cullen. I-" Cullen raised his hand to stop her and shook his head.

"I need a... a moment." The Commander said before he abruptly turned and left the way he'd come and went right back to his office. Once the door closed behind him though he didn't know what to feel. What to do.

Tranquil. Dorian had been made tranquil...

His Dorian. His love...

"Tranquil..." His voice broke as he said it and he laid a hand over his eyes. He knew what it meant. He knew that it wouldn't be Dorian anymore. Cullen had seen the before and after when it came to tranquils, they were never the same. They were a shell of what they had been. Their most defining traits stripped away.

No emotions. No love. No passion.

It couldn't be Dorian, without those things.

Cullen couldn't hold back the tears even if he tried, to have felt the relief of knowing that Dorian was alive and then have it turn into such a deep sadness when he saw what had become of the mage, it tore at his soul. The Commander cried silently, for how long he didn't know, but once the tears were shed he felt hollow. He could have been angry, hit things, thrown things. Cullen had done so in the past, but he couldn't muster the energy to be angry. Cullen was certain that Lelliana had known for a while, and Lavellan. He was unsure if it would have helped hearing the news from the Inquisitor first though. It would have been difficult to take in either way, perhaps he could have been more mentally prepared, but if Cullen was to be honest with himself, he was sure he would have had the same reaction even _if_ he'd been told beforehand.

There was a tentative knock on his door and Cullen scrubbed at his face before standing from his chair, he had crumbled into it at some point during his reeling thoughts, and silent tears. "Enter." He called, his voice sounded drained even to his own ears.

It was the Inquisitor.

"Hi..." The elf said carefully as she stepped inside closing the door behind her. Bad news had been a common thing during the fight against Corypheus, but it was never easy being the bringer of such information. "Cullen, I _was_ going to tell you, but they were early and-" Cullen halted her words once more that day by raising one of his hands.

"What happened?" Cullen asked, and Lavellan looked momentarily confused before she caught herself. The tone the Commander had used was the one he had often used at the war table, wanting to know the status of the troops out on the field. Lavellan frowned and there was a sadness in her eyes, her hand closing tighter around something in her hand.

"Things had actually progressed quite well, as you are aware." She started to say stepping a little farther into the room. "But there are people who are vehemently against change, and who refuse to acknowledge what Tevinter started so long ago." She fell silent for a moment, choosing her words. "Dorian explained what happened... and apparently his father is on the side that is resisting the changes."

Cullen's eyes widened in horror. Dorian had told him about his father, of what the man had wanted to do, had _planned_ to do to Dorian. But to make his own son tranquil...

"It's hard to say why Halward Pavus would do something this drastic. Dorian says he can't recall all of what happened, but that it was his father who had set it all up. Dorian was... he was ambushed after a conference with the people who are helping him back in Tevinter. The locations of the meetings always change because of what Dorian's been doing is not always received with open arms. We suspect there was a spy, and that the location was passed on to Halward's people and well..." Lavellan bit her lip and lowered her eyes to her hands.

"It might have been his last resort... Dorian was bringing his family name into ruin, in a way. But it was building up to become something much grander, but Halward probably couldn't see that." Lavellan raised her eyes to Cullen again, and she looked troubled. "Mistress Valentia, the woman that came with Dorian, is somewhat of an advisor to him... or was. They studied together years ago, and she's been a great ally in all this. She's been mentioned in the reports. She wasn't there when it happened, but apparently... the ritual might have been incomplete. There was a huge magical explosion... and there are... remnants of what happened apparently, inside Dorian. Mistress Valentia has seen it happen, and she seems confident that it's nothing that harms Dorian. But it's a bit unsettling to watch. It sounds like it's a bit what I experienced in the fade, with my memories. But Dorian's are shown over and over again, of what happened." The Inquisitor drifted off as she weighed what to say next.

"...when Dorian has these flashbacks he's connected to the fade again, for a moment, and... " She looked pained as she said it. "Mistress Valentia brought Dorian here because that's what Dorian told her to do. He told her... that if anyone could help him it was us."

Cullen frowned at the information, not knowing how to process it completely. "Tranquil's don't asked to be helped... to be changed back." The Commander said, his tone showing his confusion.

"They don't..." Lavellan agreed and she stepped closer and took one of Cullen's hands and pressed the coin he had given Dorian into his hand. "But _Dorian_ did... after the connection to the fade is broken, and the memories has passed he's _back_. Just for a little while, but it's him again, but he's not in control of his emotions...they're a bit erratic until it fades."

Cullen stared down at her, his eyes searching her face, wondering if it was a lie. "But it's him?" Did he dare hope? That perhaps they could help Dorian?

"More so than it is now." She said before she pulled a folded piece of parchment out of her pocket and handed it to him. "It's from Dorian." The Inquisitor simply said and held his hand for a moment longer. "I'm going to send word to Cassandra regarding all this. I know she might have some information that can help, but I don't know how far she might have gotten in the research she's been doing on the matter regarding tranquils. I will inform you as soon as we hear from her." She continued and she looked remorseful. "I really am sorry Cullen, for... everything." She was silent for a moment before taking a deep breath. "We will set up Dorian's old room for now, Mistriss Valentia will be staying in the room next door... in case-"

"I understand. Thank you Inquisitor." Cullen forced himself to interrupt her, and he folded his arms to get his trembling hands under control.

"If there's anything I can do..."

Cullen knew she meant well, but as it were, there wasn't much to do but wait. "You are already doing your best... I'm grateful." Cullen didn’t know what to think, to feel, that hollowness had been replaced by something else. Maybe it was a small flicker of hope? It was hard to tell.

“Well, I’ll leave you for now. Don’t hesitate to come see me if you wish to talk.” Cullen gave a nod and with that the Inquisitor slipped out of the office, leaving Cullen to his thoughts. Cullen remained standing leaning back against his desk, his hands gripping the coin and the letter tightly.

“...Maker, has he not suffered enough hardship…” Cullen mumbled under his breath. “Have we not endured enough trials…” Cullen closed his eyes as he prayed. “I pray that you guide him back to us…”

~*~

Cullen couldn't bring himself to read the letter from Dorian so he left it, tucked away under the chessboard in his office. He would read it, but with all that he had learned within just a few hours the Commander was unsure of how he would react once he read what his lover had written to him. Cullen had left his office, night had already fallen as he walked the battlements, his thoughts a jumble.

"Eyes cold. No smile. It hurts to see. To know that it is him, but...not." Cullen had gotten used to Cole's sudden appearances over time. The spirit still stealthy, but he didn't just appear anymore. There was a strange note to Cole's voice, it had trembled at the end. "But... Dorian. No... Nonono." Cole was staring at Cullen. "He was good. You were good. But now you're not..." The spirit stopped and listened and he shook his head.

"I can't hear. Glittering… Shiny... It's not there. _Dorian_ is not here. But you are sad because he is." There was confusion and a tiny bit of panic on Cole's face.

"Cole... Please stop." Cullen said, his voice drained as he leaned against the battlement.

"But you are hurting."

"I am. But you can't fix this Cole. You can't take away this hurt." It was painful to say. "...Go find Varric. Talk to him." Cullen really wanted Cole to leave, he couldn't deal with the spirit rooting around his head, his emotions. They were hard enough to face on the inside but having to hear them spoken out loud, to have Cole have a reaction to them as well, it made it all the more real.

Cole did leave then, as silently as he had appeared, and Cullen was left alone once more.

 _‘If he was dead I could mourn. But how can I mourn someone who is still alive...’_ Cullen scrubbed at his eyes before he began walking again.

~*~

Eventually Cullen’s feet brought him back to his quarters, the ones he had shared with Dorian, inside the main building of the inquisition. He stopped outside the door, hand hovering just at the handle, he stood like that for a long moment before he let out a sigh, his brows drawing together into a frown before he opened the door and stepped inside.

_“Of course we will stay in your rooms! It has a better view, it doesn’t have a draft, and to be honest, it’s bigger than mine.” Dorian said with a flourish only glancing up from his book for a moment to give Cullen a look as if he thought the other man was being exceptionally daft. “It’s obviously the most logical choice. Besides, most of my things are already here, it would be quite bothersome to take them back.”_

_“You decided this long before I even thought about it, didn’t you?” Cullen asked as he glanced over to where Dorian was sitting in a plush chair, which had one day just been in Cullen’s office with Dorian lounging in it already._

_The mage gave Cullen bright smile. “I have just been strategically moving my pieces.”_

The memory came to his thoughts unwanted, his eyes falling on the small things that Dorian had left behind, things Cullen rarely reflected on, but right then he could see them all. Cullen almost turned and left, to go and sleep above his office but stopped himself. He couldn’t run away, there was no point, and with his mind made up he prepared for bed even if he knew that sleep would elude him or be filled with nightmares.

~*~

“Amatus… _A-ma-tus_ , wake up!” It was a fierce whisper right next to Cullen’s ear and the Commander woke. The room was dark, save for a single candle. Dorian was kneeling on the bed, leaning over Cullen’s sprawled form. Cullen just stared for a long moment up into Dorian’s face. Grey eyes wide and full of life, but they also held worry and a slight frown marred Dorian's features.

“Dorian?” Cullen asked, and a bright smile came to the mages lips the frown and worry melted away as if they had never been there to begin with. Cullen was sitting up in the next moment and drew Dorian into a tight embrace, which the other man returned with equal amount of gusto. "Maker's breath... is it really you?" Cullen asked as he pulled back.

"In a sense." Dorian's voice shook, that smile gone and his eyes were misted with unshed tears. "I'm a bit all over the place at the moment." Dorian's hands came to rest on Cullen's cheeks and he brought their foreheads together. "It's so dark Cullen... no dreams, no feelings, no magic." He pulled back and he looked pained. "I remember seeing you, oh amatus..." The tears spilled from his eyes and Cullen reached up to wipe them away.

"We will fix this Dorian. We will find a way to make you whole again." Cullen said, his voice full of conviction, conviction that hadn't been there just a few hours prior. Dorian gave him a weak smile, it showed in his eyes that he didn't quite believe those words himself.

"You didn't read the letter." He said, but there wasn't any accusation there, just a statement, but then something shifted again, and that bright smile was back on Dorian's lips before he crushed their lips together in a kiss. Cullen was a little startled at the sudden shift, Dorian was unpredictable, more so than usual. But Lavellan had said something about Dorian's emotions being erratic?

But before Cullen could respond the eagerness of Dorian's lips halted and the hand's on Cullen's face went lax before Dorian pulled away. "Dorian-?" Cullen asked but stopped at the mage's name when he saw the expression on Dorian's face, or lack of expression was probably a better way of putting it.

Dorian sat back, eyes empty once more. "I beg your pardon, Cullen. I shouldn't have come here." Dorian said in that flat monotone that cut through Cullen like a knife. "I will be on my way if you do not need me for something?"

"Ah... no Dorian, you can leave..." Cullen said, staring at his lover as he rose from the bed to leave and Cullen didn't stop him. When the door clicked shut Cullen still felt at a loss. He didn't know what to feel or think. It was Dorian, it had undoubtedly been Dorian. But only for a couple of minutes, nothing more.

A few minutes passed before there was a knock at Cullen's door, the Commander looked towards it but didn't move at first. But then the knock came again and Cullen got out of bed to send whoever it was on their way. But when his eyes fell on the tall woman who had come with Dorian to Skyhold the words died before they could leave his mouth.

"I beg your pardon Commander, Dorian slipped past my wards without my knowledge. He must have disrupted them when he shifted." Valentia said, she was clad in a long and draping robes her hands clasped and she looked apologetic. She was a stunning woman in her own right, sharp features, and held herself as if she could take on the world and win, but her eyes were kind as they fell on Cullen. "I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. Dorian... he talked about you quite fondly, before all this happened. I hoped to speak with you about all of this before another shift, but alas, they are not easy to predict."

"It's fine Mistress Valentia, no... harm done." Cullen forced himself to say.

"Not physically, perhaps." Valentia said, her tone soft and understanding. "I will not disturb you more tonight, Commander. But I wish to speak with you come tomorrow. I shall be in the library with Dorian, send for me when you have a moment."

Cullen gave a small nod. "Very well."

"Good night, Commander." Valentia inclined her head before she turned and strode away, her robes billowing in her wake. Cullen watched her as she left before stepping back into his room, but his mind was a disarray of thoughts, and instead of going back to bed he went to sit in Dorian's chair.

"Andraste give me strength..."

Cullen remained in the chair for the rest of the night, trying to sort his thoughts and feelings, but when the morning light eventually spilled into his room his thoughts were still running rampant.

It was going to be a long day.


	3. Remnants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait! But rest assured I haven't given up on this story. It is on my mind constantly and I intend to finish it. Thank you to all of you who has left comments and Kudos. It means the world to me. I do hope this chapter has been worth the wait. I do promise that it won't take as long for the next one. 
> 
> Enjoy!

~*~

Cullen had retrieved the note from underneath the chessboard sometime in the early morning hours as sleep was a lost cause. He hadn't bothered to dress in full armor, settling for his leathers.

It was a chilly morning and icy slate was falling, which froze as soon as it fell onto the cold stone of the battlements, leaving the path slick with ice.

Cullen walked slowly as he made for his room once more,  the parchment clutched in his hand but he hadn't been able to look at it yet. He was afraid of what it might say. Cullen was afraid of what instructions Dorian might have left him.

Skyhold was slowly waking when the commander once more entered his room. He felt the need to read the letter before he met with Mistress Valentia, but in the safety of his rooms, Cullen still hesitated. It took him a good while before he could bring himself to unfold the hastily folded parchment. The first thing Cullen took note of was the uneven scrawl. it was hard to read, and it almost didn't look like Dorian's penmanship. But there were parts that were so obviously Dorian it was no mistake about who had written it. It was disjointed, as if a thought had struck and then another took its place before the former mage had finished writhing.

****

**_Cullen_ **

**_I'm aware of what is going on. There is darkness- no dreams- but I do not miss them when I am-_ **

**_I know all of you will do what you can. I know that if there is a way you will all - you will find a way.  
I do not expect you to wait around for this to- if you find yourself to troubled by my state I-_ **

  
The sentence was unfinished the untidy scrawl of the _I_ going more crooked than straight. When the writing started up again it was an unfamiliar penmanship that graced the parchment.

**_  
Dear Commander Cullen_ **

**_Dorian wishes me to help as he cannot finish his thoughts as he means for them to translate._ **

**_Dorian wishes to tell you that he misses you dearly but that he does not expect you to wait for a cure to be found. He wishes you to find happiness, and he assures that he is fully aware of the romantic cliché, but even so he does not want you to wait for something that might not happen._ **

**_He wishes to tell you that he loves you deeply and he would not wish to see you suffer because of him._ **

  
There was no way that Cullen could give Dorian up, however much it hurt he would never abandon him, not as long as there was a chance to help Doiran. The letter continued, but it seemed that Dorian hadn't been able to give any more instructions as the letter was being written.

**_  
Dorian tells you all this because of his love for you Commander, but there is hope still. The brand and the ritual was not completed. As long as Dorian has the will to fight you should not give up. I know it will be trying for you to see him like this, but do know that Dorian is in there. _ **

**_Dorian asked me to send you back your coin, but it was his tranquil self who said so. He thought it best to give it back. Your Dorian was quite upset when he found it gone next time he shifted. If you have it in you I do think that it would ground Dorian more if you were to give him your token once more. He remembers all that goes on around him in his Tranquil state. I cannot imagine it being easy on him. He has told me that it feels like a prison, and that it is hard to bear when he remembers it all when he comes back, but he still wishes to fight._ **

**_I shall tell you more of what happened when we meet, Commander._ **

**_I wish you well._ **

  
The letter was finished with an elegant signature and Cullen read it all over again. It pained him to know that Dorian felt like he was in a prison. It might have eased his mind some, if Dorian had no recollection of his days as Tranquil. But somehow it also filled Cullen with more determination. He would not give up on Dorian. Cullen began to fold the letter when he saw a small scrawl on the back and he paused to read it.

  
                             **_I love you, amatus. Always and forever._**

  
It had been written with care, even if it was only a few words, they wasn't the hurried scrawl from the start of the letter. Cullen brushed his fingers over the words, as if touching them would make them more real. To help him ground himself, to believe that they could find a way to help Dorian, to bring him back. "...and I you." He whispered into the silence of his own room as he stared down at the words. It took him a while longer before he could bring himself to get up once more. He dressed himself in his usual gear before he made his way towards the library.

~*~

It felt strange to see Dorian back in his alcove, book in his lap, almost looking as if nothing was wrong. But there was a stillness to the mage that was so unnatural. Valentia was nowhere to be seen at the moment, and Cullen wondered where she had gone to, until she heard the soft conversation from above in the rookery. Cullen watched Dorian for a few long moments before he tore his eyes away, determined to go and speak to Dorian's advisor. "Can I help you with something, Cullen?" Cullen turned back to look at Dorian, who had raised his gaze from the book to let his eyes land on him.

_Dead eyes._

Cullen shook the thought away from his mind and he cleared his throat. "I came to speak with Mistress Valentia." He said, and he felt slightly unnerved by Dorian's steadfast gaze, Dorian seemed to notice as he lowered his eyes back to his book.

"She is up in the rookery with the Spymaster." It sounded like Dorian was attempting to put some inflection into his words, but it was far away from how expressive Dorian was supposed to be. "I apologize for my behavior last night, Cullen. I cannot control myself once I shift, as Valentia calls it." He raised his head but didn't turn his gaze towards Cullen. "I make you feel uncomfortable. I will do my best to stay out of your way." Cullen let out a heavy sigh and stepped into the alcove. He took out the coin from a pouch at his belt and settled it around Dorian's neck, where it belonged.

"This was a gift to you, Dorian. I wish for you to keep it." Dorian laid his hand over the coin before he settled his hand back down on the book.

"Very well. It seemed like the most logical thing to send it back to you, but I am aware that I became frustrated when I did not have it, so I will keep it." It was hard to hear the reasoning, but Cullen was still glad that Dorian agreed to keep it. He wanted to tell Dorian that he didn't have to keep away, that he wasn't uncomfortable around him. But that would be a lie, and Dorian would know, even if he wouldn't take any offense in his current state, he would still know. "Was there something else?" Dorian asked, still not raising his eyes. Cullen hesitated, he wanted to hold him, but this Dorian, it wasn't right. Even if he had a will of his own, it wasn't the Dorian Cullen wished to hold, to kiss.

"No. That was all, for now." He said, but he still lingered for a while longer, taking in Dorian's profile. He still looked the same. Well groomed and well dressed. "I shall see you later, Dorian." He eventually said and took his leave, he met Valentia at the stairs, and he nodded towards the door that would take them outside. Valentia motioned for Cullen to lead the way and they both stepped outside but didn't venture far.

"Your Nightingale has received word from the new Devine. She will send what research they have gathered, but she is sending it with a trusted scout, so that nothing is to be lost, or stolen, on the way." Valentia said, her eyes on Cullen. "I take it you have read the letter by now? I did not mean to listen to your conversation, but it carries, I understand why the Nightingale has chosen such a place." Cullen reached up to rub at the back of his neck and let out a heavy sigh.

"I have. I feel as if I'm talking to a stranger even though I know he remembers it all. Remembers us..." Another sigh escaped him. "How often does he... shift?" He asked as he let his hand drop back to his side. The former mage observed him for a moment before shifting her stance just the slightest.

"It happens at random, but a few times every week. Though, it seemed to increase in frequency the nearer we got to Skyhold. I did not expect him to have another episode last night, and perhaps it will happen more now that he is here. I am unsure, but I suspect it can have something to do with the mark on the Inquisitor's hand. It is connected to the fade after all." Her voice was calm as she spoke, but there was a hint of worry etched across her elegant features. "How are you faring, Commander? I realize it cannot be easy to see your lover in such a state." The question caught Cullen off guard and he took a moment to compose his features.

"I will manage. I am more worried about Dorian."

"He is in no pain, Commander. He does not suffer by the way he is now. It is when he is connected to the fade that he is troubled. So do not worry for him now, he is in no danger." She assured him, but Cullen wasn't calmed by her words. "If you would not mind, do you think it would be possible to have a room nearer yours? I know it must bother you to see him as he is, but your Dorian wishes to be near you, if you are still willing to have him. If not, I shall keep him away from you." Cullen felt a swell of anger inside of him.

"I do not intend to give up on Dorian, I thought as much would have been obvious by now." His tone was harsh, and his eyes full of held back fury. It was insulting to have someone question his devotion to Dorian. He would not give up on him. "Dorian may come to me at any time, and you can speak with Josephine about the rooms, I'm sure she can manage something." He said before he gave the woman a curt nod. "If you excuse me, I have work I need to tend to. And as you have assured me that Dorian is in no danger, I shall take your word for it. For now." He took his leave without waiting for her reply, he was angry, not only at Valentia, but at himself. Because he knew that it bothered him, how Dorian was, and that it was uncomfortable to be around him, but if Dorian wished to be near him... he couldn't deny him such a request.

~*~

Cullen kept to his office the rest of the day, but it was hard to concentrate on his work, it served as a poor distraction from all that was happening. But even so he did his best, trying to tell himself that things would be fine, that Dorian would be fine. As long as he didn't wish for... death... things would be fine. The quill snapped in his grip and he was startled out of his thoughts, he let the ruined writing utensil fall to the desk and he sat back in his chair, scrubbing a hand over his face. He was tired. His mind didn't want to stop going around in circles. Of what might have happened to Dorian, and what would happen if they couldn't save him.

Cullen forced himself to stop thinking, he turned his eyes to the window, the sun was already setting and he had yet to eat something at all that day. He had no appetite, but he knew he needed to eat, he would do no one any favors by starving himself, and least of all himself. So with that thought in mind he got to his feet, deciding that he had done his best for the day when it came to the mountain of paperwork that always seemed to accumulate on his desk, no matter how long he sat at it and worked on lessening the piles.

As he left his office for the tavern he did his best to keep his mind blank. He didn't go to the great hall for his meal, he wasn't sure he had it in him to be social with the people there. There were always some nobles, or other important people, visiting so having his meal at the tavern would ensure that he could have his meal in peace.

It was a quick affair, he didn't want to linger, nor get caught up in drinking his worries away. But even so, he most likely had a pint to many before he continued towards his rooms. As he neared he saw Dorian, he was standing outside Cullen's door, waiting. He must have just knocked. Cullen steeled himself, not realizing that he had stopped in his tracks, then continued forward. "Dorian?" His lover turned, and for a moment Cullen had hoped that it would have eyes full of life that turned to him, but it was not.

"Cullen. I just came to inform you that I have taken up quarters next to yours, and Valentia is situated next to mine. I would also like to inform you about what is, undoubtedly, going to happen again. This shift we speak of." Dorian said, he was so still where he stood. Where the Dorian Cullen knew, would have shifted his weight to more or less pose, the Dorian in front of him just stood, arms at his side. "When I am reconnected with the fade it seems to invade others minds as well, it is not dangerous as far as we are able to tell, but we have made sure that there are as few people near here as possible, as to not frighten or cause unrest. But you will be affected. I just wish to caution you of it. You will see what happened, but I thought you might want to be prepared for it so I brought this." Dorian held out a journal towards Cullen. "I do have my memories, and I do know that your attachment to me, or who I were, is still strong. So if you wish to have intimate relation-"

"Dorian!" Cullen stepped forward placing his hands on the former mage's shoulders, efficiently stopping the other man from continuing with his sudden outburst. "...you don't have to offer such a thing. You should know that's not what I want." He said, his tone lower, and calmer, but he was a little flustered. Dorian observed him in silence for a few moments.

"It is all I can offer you at this time. I see I have troubled you further with my words, I shall leave you then." Dorian said and moved as if to step away. Cullen's hands tightened a little on Dorian's shoulders, and he stilled. Cullen wasn't directly looking at him, but he kept his eyes on the coin that still rested on top of Dorian's robes.

"I- ...it's painful to see you like this Dorian. But I won't give up on you, know that, at the very least." He raised his head and leaned in to kiss the mole on Dorian's cheek, as he had done so many times in the past, reaching up to cup Dorian's cheek as he did so. "I love you, Dorian. Nothing on Thedas will change that." He pulled back, finally meeting Dorian's eyes, but as before they showed no emotion. Silence fell between them and Dorian observed him for a while longer.

"If there is anything I can do, do not hesitate to ask. I shall leave you to rest." Dorian said before he stepped back and went to his own room. Only when the door shut did Cullen let out the shuddering breath he'd been holding. His heart ached, he wanted Dorian back at his side. The offer had completely taken him by surprise, but he couldn't phantom having any sort of intimate relations with Dorian as he were. It would be wrong, and it would be empty. He'd heard stories when he was in Kirkwall of people using Tranquils as easy bedmates, but he quickly pushed those thoughts from his mind. He reached down to pick up the journal that he had dropped in his surprise earlier, he would read it. He doubted he would find sleep easily that night anyway.

~*~

**_I was advised by Valentia to write down what happened and I agree that it is a good idea. It might serve us well to have it down in writing for later. What I remember of the incident is that we were to leave the meeting. Everything had gone as expected, nothing had seem out of the ordinary. Tevinter politics are always fraught with deceit and underhanded tactics, but beyond the usual it went well. We got ambushed as we left our location, we were outnumbered and I at the very least was rendered unconscious, quick blow to the head. When I woke I was in chains, my magic rendered useless by runes and barriers. My father was there. He spoke of me being a disgrace to the Pavus name and that I had gone too far. He said that he could not have me corrupt the Magisterium and that there would only be one way to do it, without killing me. It took me a few moments to grasp what he was getting at. I was very vocal about that I would not stop, not unless he did kill me, that it wouldn't matter what he did. I can still see the point in changing Tevinter for the better. But I do think that I cannot achieve such a task as I am now Tranquil. My voice will not be heard, so my father is correct that I will not be able to get my point across as I am now._ **

**_As for the ritual in itself I cannot recall all of it. I was screaming for them to stop when I saw the brand. As it was being pressed to my forehead I remember jerking back, and I suspect that I might have used blood magic to disrupt it. But it is what I have come to conclude after what have been retold to me after one of my shifts. I must have disrupted the rite, and thus connected with the fade momentarily. Why I continue to do so now I have not found an answer to, as of yet._ **

**_I remember not wanting it to happen. But I am not in danger as it is. And as long as no one is in danger I do not want to die. I realize that people are going to want to help me. And my former self wishes it as well. So I will explore this path. I know that my presence at Skyhold will-_ **

  
Cullen stopped reading the first entry and flipped to the next scanning it over. It was mostly Dorian writing down what research he was doing regarding undoing the rite. But here and there a scrawled message would interrupt the otherwise finely penned entries.

  
**_It's terrifying_**

**_It's so dark when I sleep_ **

**_I never realized it could be so dark_ **

**_I don't want to sleep alone if it so dark all the time_ **

**_what should I do?                                    I don't                                   I can't_ **

**_I wish I had never left_ **

**_Amatus I wish I had you here_ **

**_Cullen_ **

**_I wish to be back at_ **

**_I hate the dark_ **

  
Scattered words and sentences that weren't finished. But they were all filled with such fear. It was already dark outside and Cullen sat in the chair Dorian had brought to his room such a long time ago. He had shed his armor and was in a simple linen tunic and trousers. What struck him was that it always seemed to come back to that it was dark. It tore at his heart and eventually he stood, taking the candle with him as he left his room. He didn't bother with shoes as he quickly walked down to the room Dorian was in and he knocked. It didn't take long for the former mage to answer, he didn't look as if he had been asleep. "What can I do for you, Cullen?" He simply asked and Cullen hesitated.

"If you don't mind, I was wondering if... we could share a bed for the night? Just to sleep!" Cullen hastily added feeling his face heat up. Had it been Dorian form a year ago, the mage would tease him and joke. But as it were, the Dorian before him simply stepped aside and let him in. It was completely dark in the room, save for Cullen's candle which he set down on the table next to the bed. Dorian waited for Cullen to get on the bed, and Cullen felt incredibly awkward, but then he motioned for Dorian to join him.

"I do not require as much sleep as before." He said, perhaps it was because he didn't let emotions drain him, but it was only an uneducated guess on Cullen's part.

"Then just lay with me, I don't think I can sleep yet anyway." Cullen said and Dorian finally joined him. Cullen thought it would have been a terribly awkward ordeal to settle down with Dorian, but the former mage laid down next to him, arm slung over Cullen's middle and rested his head against Cullen's shoulder. It was as if it was any other nigh they had shared. Cullen felt like crying all of a sudden, but he didn't. He swallowed back the tears and instead he pulled Dorian a little closer and just enjoyed the feel of him. Dorian was alive. He had to remember that. Dorian was alive and they were going to help him.

It was well into the night before they fell asleep, but in the early morning hours Cullen was drawn into a dream, so vivid and unsettling. Dorian bound with heavy chains to the floor, intricate markings written on the stone beneath him.

_"Dorian... why must you do this? Why must you tarnish the Pavus name further? I don't wish to do this."_ The voice was distorted, as if coming from far away. Dorian scoffed and pulled at the chains.

_"Because this land needs to change! It can be better! This whole place is wrong and people need to know the truth!"_ The image shifted, and someone, not the man that had spoken before. He stood to the side, such a deep sadness on his face as he watched.

_"Father! NO! Don't do this! STOP!"_ Dorian's father turned away when the brand touched the skin of Dorian's forehead. There was such a gut-wrenching scream that followed before there was an explosion, a wave of magic pushing everyone back from where Dorian was kneeling on the stone floor.

Cullen was jolted awake and his hold tightened on Dorian. He felt the quick breath against his neck and he pulled back so that he could look at Dorian, grey eyes turned to him, so full of fear that it nearly broke Cullen's heart. He pressed a kiss to his lover's forehead and drew him close again. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I wish I could chase away the dark for you, love." Dorian's grip on him tightened and he could feel wetness against his shoulder as Dorian's shoulder's shook. "I'm here. I'll be here every night. We'll fix this Dorian. I won't give up on you."

"Amatus..." It was nothing more than a broken sob, and Cullen pressed another kiss to Dorian's forehead. He would ask Leliana in the morning how long it would be until they would receive the research from Cassandra. He didn't want Dorian to suffer in that darkness longer than absolutely necessary.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I do hope that whatever errors there might be that they aren't bad enough to distract from the story. English is my second language, so I hope that you can forgive and point out what I might have done wrong. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it though, and sorry for the cliffhanger.  
> But there's more to come, eventually.


End file.
